Sunday, May 14, 2006

The "Meet Your Maker" Package Getaway

A Guest Post By, Mark W. Bradley

Attention all rapture-seeking evangelicals! Don’t miss your last chance to get VIP tickets to the most Apocalyptifying Event of the Millennium! Bring the whole family, and don’t drag your feet (or your knuckles), otherwise you may end up really, really sorry (maybe even “damned” sorry, if you catch our drift!)

: The Lord of Creation’s Holy Shrine Pavilion, conveniently located at the North Pole between Santa’s Workshop and Uncle Sasquatch’s Unicorn Petting Zoo.

: As soon as you can get your dumb ass up there.

: No need to pack warm clothes for this one! What with God’s last- minute decision to liquefy huge portions of the polar ice caps earlier this year, all you’ll need to bring is a full-coverage bathing outfit (no Brazilian butt-floss or homoerotic speedos please), a pair of comfortable sweats, two pairs of dry socks, and a large water-proof trash bag containing all the cash and valuables you can scrape together on short notice…

: First, find your way to Provo, Utah. From there, take I-15 north for 744 miles, then turn west at Hwy 3, and travel 33 miles all the way to Hwy 2. From there, proceed northward for 281 miles to Calgary, then follow the signs to Hwy 43 West. Go 252 miles to the junction with Hwy 97, then drive another 554 miles to Hwy 1. After 235 miles, you’ll arrive at Whitehorse in the Beautiful Yukon Territory. Keep right on going, and in another 600 miles or so you’ll find yourself in Fairbanks. From there, it’s just 75 miles to Livingood, where you’ll leave the pavement and embark on 500-plus miles of gravel road known as the “Dalton Highway”, which will take you to Deadhorse, where the road turns into frozen mud. Upon your arrival, the Exxon-Haliburton Permafrost Van will shuttle you the last six miles to Prudhoe Bay on the banks of the scenic Arctic Ocean. There you’ll board a specially outfitted vintage Egyptian passenger ferry waiting to whisk you away to the breathtakingly beautiful (but rapidly disintegrating) polar ice pack. Before the ferryboat drifts safely (we hope) back to the mainland, the impeccably uniformed (and usually sober) captain will present you with a compass, a set of snowshoes, a detailed ordinance map, and a delicious brownbag lunch to fortify you on your invigorating ice hike (and/or swim) to “Meet your Maker!” And don’t forget, every single item you’ll find to purchase at the North Pole is guaranteed absolutely free for the asking (assuming you can find someone there to ask), and one of our helpful representatives will be on hand to safely store whatever cash you’ve not already dropped in high-priced petrol stations along the way. So just relax, and let us worry about the details…

: Once you and your family arrive at the North Pole, you’ll be surprised at the number of exciting and rewarding activities you’ll have to chose from, including “Crevasse Jumping”, “Steal the Bacon” (Family Edition), “Hypothermic Face-off”, and the ever-popular “Predatory Polar Bear Endurance Marathon.” Based on partially digested diary fragments recently recovered from the entrails of a magnificent 2,000 lb. Ursus Maritimus, a team of anthropologists at the University of Greenland have concluded that it is while undergoing just such an event that most Evangelicals experience an intensely close (but fleeting) bond with their Personal Lord and Savior. Just imagine the adrenaline-spiked mega-rapture involved in that magic moment!

But whatever your recreational preferences, we believe you’re destined to have the time of your life (perhaps even your afterlife). And most importantly, Jesus, Santa, and Uncle Sasquatch will all be there (in spirit) to make sure your stay is memorable, at least until you lose consciousness and the negligible remains of your cerebral cortex are extruded out your ears like tiny grey stalactites…

Mark W. Bradley is a schoolteacher and political satirist in Sacramento, California. He can be contacted at:


Blogger Joe Don Martin said...

The other day, at a family cookout, my brother-in-law asked me why, being an atheist, I didn't just go ahead and kill myself. I told him that, seeing as ashes and urns were all that awaited me and I was both pretty committed to making things better right here and content, in general, with my lot in life, I'd pass. Then, it was his turn. I asked him, since he was destined for streets of gold, wings, his father's house- all that rot- why not do himself in to get there sooner? I assured him I'd make sure my niece, nephew, and sister were looked after) No, he said, that would be a sin and he'd go to hell. So, I offered to kill him, completely at random so he couldn't be accused of plotting it, just whenever the urge struck me. Coward turned me down. That's why that allah must be more powerful than his xian counterpart. Those folks are willing to die to get that eternal reward. Maybe christian heaven needs hookers.

3:56 PM  
Blogger The (liberal)Girl Next Door said...

Joe--Hookers in Heaven, I love it. I'm sure there are plenty there though, the Christian Church just doesn't publicize it enough, a big mistake from a marketing perspective.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Joe Don Martin said...

You're absolutely right. I'd forgotten all those stories featuring "hookers with hearts of gold" Not to mention the Magdalene, Blessed Disciple, friend of Jeebus, and Hooker to all the Pencil-Dicked Church Fathers. Man, hookers'll be way better than any 72 virgins- I mean fun's the object, right?

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Dale Hippert said...

I'll go with Joe Don and Dennis Miller on this one:

"The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro." (Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 70 virgins upon arrival in heaven)

10:51 PM  

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