Friday, September 08, 2006

MEET YOUR FEdeRAL GOVERNMENT

(Guest post by Mark W. Bradley)

A couple of years ago, I wrote a widely unread article entitled Teaching the Constitution in a Post-democratic America, in which I pondered the difficulty of instructing public school students on the institutional foundations of our republic, even as those institutions were being energetically dismantled by those sworn to uphold them. Since then, I have discovered the source of my confusion. It seems I’ve been trying to teach the kids about governmental institutions in an age dominated by the cult of personality. I was busy illuminating for them how oxygen is sucked out of the public discourse by the corporate media’s obsession with the air-head heirs of hotel magnates and the talent-less progeny of trash TV producers. Of course, what my students were interested in hearing about was Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling. Having discovered the error of my ways, I’ve now completely dispensed with the boring old “institutional underpinnings of our government” stuff, and instead now dish out tabloid-style mini-bios of the fabulously exciting and interesting people behind the institutions. To illustrate my point, here is a copy of my very first in-class handout of the school year:

MEET YOUR FEdeRAL GOVERNMENT

President George W. Bush: Unlike former president Jimmy Carter, no one can accuse George W. Bush of getting bogged down in minutia. In fact, he doesn’t allow himself to get bogged down in what comes after the Roman numerals on an 8th grade social studies outline. Frankly, he’s too busy reading. Last summer, he’s reported to have read Salt - A World History. Not one to become easily distracted from his stated goals, Bush has since put a moratorium on his recreational reading until Mark Kurlansky completes the companion edition, The History of Pepper. But the president’s talents are not limited to simple reading. He can speak, as well. Well, maybe not as well as some (or even as well as he used to, perhaps), but he can speak. Oh sure, he’s a little “verb challenged” at times, but seeing the captivating smile on his cute little face as he proudly pronounces polysyllabic words correctly is guaranteed to warm the cockles of your heart. And watching him e-nun-ci-ate the last set of consonants like a super-smart first-grade phonics teacher is a nice touch too, don’t you think? What can I say, the guy’s an intellectual vole on large-animal doses of veterinary Xanax…

Vice-President Richard Cheney: Mr. Cheney can best be described as an individual to whom wealth and power are of paramount personal concern. By this I mean he is as greedy as a recently-neutered chocoholic trencherman with whirling hypnotic spirals in his eye-sockets (and a feeding frenzy of ravenous tapeworms wriggling in his grossly engorged gut), shoveling bucket-loads of Belgian crème truffles into his gargantuan gaping gullet, oblivious to the fact that the candy store he is so feverishly intent on scouring is rapidly becoming engulfed in flames. Even as the crystallized sugar-encrusted teeth rot out of his bulbous balding head, it concerns him not, for he has already deployed a team of mercenary prosthetic dentists into nearby low-income neighborhoods armed with rolls of quarters, the better to purchase perfectly healthy new teeth from needy nine-year-olds. (Are we clear on his guy yet?)

Secretary of Defense DonaldDuckwing Rumsfeld: Mr. Rumsfeld has the distinction of having served as both the youngest and the oldest Secretary of Defense in American history. This makes perfect sense, as he shows every sign of having passed directly from puerility to senility without stopping to wind his watch. At least he has the distinction of having gained a first-class education along the way. He studied rhetoric and public speaking with Professor Casey Stengel, military tactics with General George Armstrong Custer, ethics and morality with the honorable King Richard III, and nuclear physics with the Nobel Prize Nominated Theodoric of York. Nothing escapes Rumsfeld’s colander-like mind, with the possible exception of each and every element on the Periodic Table. His historical myopia is so all-encompassing, he once praised Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi as a “visionary.” In the event Mr. Rumsfeld should become accidentally imprisoned in a wet paper bag, please call 9(-)11 immediately. (God knows he does every chance he gets.)

*As I develop more educational hand-outs for my students, I will continue to share them on my daughter’s website (the godless hussy).

Mark W. Bradley is a schoolteacher and political satirist in Sacramento, California. He can be contacted at: markwbradley@comcast.net.

14 Comments:

Blogger Howard Martin said...

If and when I assume command, you will be my first choice as Poet Laureate.

7:52 PM  
Anonymous mark w bradley said...

I'll be waiting by the phone, Howie. In the meantime, if I'm selected as Poet Laureate by anybody else, I'll use my influence to enable your taking command as soon as possible

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh...yes. Another shining example of liberal love and tolerance. No substance, just mud and ugliness. Here's to school vouchers.

10:25 AM  
Blogger The (liberal)Girl Next Door said...

Anonymous--I think we tolerate this band of criminal idiots as best we can. As for the love, I love my dad for writing this post.

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Dale said...

I take this post to mean that you are aware that Constitution Day is approaching September 18th.
It would not hurt to give some shout out to the First Amendment Center, Bill of Rights.org, and the Constitution Center for keeping us all informed.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Betty Cracker said...

ROFL! I can see the godless hussy didn't fall far from the tree. I envy her in the way that only the liberal daughter of a proud Bush-voting, gator-skinning, NRA-loving redneck can.

9:23 AM  
Anonymous david said...

Rumsfeld's musings of late have caused journalists to actually research some of the names he's been dropping. And Rummy's been dropping them like a debutante at an Inaugural Ball.

One such is Clemenceau, the Frenchman, who once said America is the one country to go straight from Barbarism to Decadence without the usual interval of Civilization. We see this in the Bush White House.

Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, once wrote that she was disturbed by the Nixon White House's obsession with table manners and formal etiquette. Apparently, some Republicans are willing to follow the law to the letter only when it applies to fish knives and finger bowls.

And anonymous needs to get off his "swiftboat" and read more. It's Republicans who can turn decorated war heroes into traitors and chickenhawks into super-patriots; a neat slight-of-hand trick. And charter schools are turning out to be a bust; not unlike charter flights.

9:51 AM  
Anonymous mark w bradley said...

Dear Anonymous,

In the two years I have been publishing satirical articles on the internet, I have made it a general policy to avoid lending any credence to the lunatic ravings of freepers, protest warriors and (most particularly) stuffed and animated Budweiser tank-tops sporting completely superfluous top-openings located midway between the arm holes. But for you, my friend, one of the dedicated few who have, on at least two separate occasions, lobbed unarmed wit-grenades into my literary foxhole, I am pleased to make a rare exception.

You lament my villainous lack of love and compassion for the likes of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, those self-abnegating, altruistic paragons of patriotic virtue whose paint-by-number portraits no doubt festoon the camouflage-painted walls of your bedroom in your parents’ garage. Your right. Responsibility for the quarter million or so deaths that have resulted from their actions should not really be laid at their door, inasmuch as they were the unfortunate result of faulty intelligence, for which they were in no way to blame. On the other hand, the shear magnitude of the mayhem, genocide, and cataclysmic destruction unleashed by the awesome power of my computer keyboard makes me fear for the fate of my immortal soul. Shame on big bad me for picking on poor little them.

You want constructive solutions? Here’s one. How about we round up these criminally-insane, infant-scalping bloodsuckers, try them in courts not yet compromised by their hand-picked, constitutionally-challenged judicial impersonators (with juries comprised of the destitute survivors of Hurricane Katrina), and then cast them into deep, dank underground prison cells, there to be fed on a heart-healthy diet of bread (made from genetically-altered, dioxine-fortified flour milled by ADM) and water (fresh from the mercury-saturated, depleted-uranium-laced depths of the lower Euphrates, courtesy of Raytheon and Halliburton). Then maybe the rest of us can finally get on with the business of resuscitating some vestige of human decency and hope for this corporate greed-ravaged world.

As for you, my special friend, may you always have a bridge to lay your trollish head under; may you find comfort and safety in your hard-earned and richly-deserved anonymity; and may you and your imaginary superhero friends enjoy a long and prosperous life, free of unnecessary alpha-wave interference.

Sincerely,
Mark W. Bradley

1:29 PM  
Blogger Godlessfriend said...

I'm going to have to rethink that whole "sticks and stones" thing. This anonymous puke may have suffered some broken bones from that. Thanks for the laughs.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous rkelly said...

The cosmic giggle is having a hey day Mr. Mark Bradley, aka "father of the godless hussy."

Big "A" is one of those, like Ann Coulter, who received a grant from the American Heritage Institute to prove that Rove, et al. could brainwash their grey matter into nothing more than a blubbering pile of protoplasm, just like the rest of these morons who actually believe they are sane.

Yes Sir, Mr. Mark Bradley, I couldn't agree with you more -- some of their own medicine would be perfect.

BUT, I want to add something to their well earned fate and it is:

Every member of their family and "them" over here as the number one "enemy combatant" must provide the American people with the entire fortune of their families now and in the future until the debt to humanity is paid in full.

Of course money will never pay for the lives of those who were nothing more than disposable commodities for those who need to suck the life force from human beings in order to feel their own pulse.

Bush-Rove Cheney-Libby Rumsfeld-Bolton Powell-Rice PNAC-AHI Trilaterals-Bilderbergs Council on Foreign Relations-Federal Reserve System et al., etc., must all repay the global human savings and loan for lying, cheating, stealing and last but not least, mass genocide by way of chemical, biological and other forms of WMDs, used by THEM OVER HERE on our own soil to be able to use this weaponry over there so we didn't have to fight them here and therefore, the insanity to create the globalization of abject terror so that they can be the King Babies of the Earth for ever and ever and their families get to be the most special of all through eternity in their FULL SPECTRUM DOMINANCE.

May they reap what they have sown, Big “A” - that’s all. We’re just trying to give them what they have actually created for the rest of us who don’t want what they’re selling. You can join them all you want because you no doubt owe them for that grant money you took.

Moron.

7:08 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Messenger said...

Bush claims he was reading while on vacation but actually he was sitting on his front poarch at the Crawford ranch in an easy chair.

Instead of thumbing through books he was decompressing another way.

Don't believe me ? Listen to the audio excerpt :

Rocking My Life Away

Peace,
Cosmic

Peace,
Cosmic

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LG,

Just a chip off the old block huh? Like father, like daughter. I wonder if you were slinging the same kind of mud, when there was a proven felon in the White House.

Anonymous

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mark,

Ooooooh, well said and exactly as predicted. You are a great representative for your party. You have no solutions to anthing, just hatred and ugliness. Flame me some more. I love sites like this. They just reinforce a decision I made years ago never to vote Democratic again.

A.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous david said...

"A proven felon in the White House"? That would be Richard Nixon. But I believe LGND would have been too young to remember him. Anonymous, I can recommend John Dean's book "Worse Than Watergate" if you want to find some balance to your slanted views.

7:43 AM  

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