Why Halliburton Should Run Our Ports

There are rumblings that Halliburton is being considered as the recipient of the DP World “transfer” of port operations to a US “entity”. I know what you’re thinking, who couldn’t have seen this coming right? But perhaps Halliburton is the best possible answer to this security problem. All we have to do is take a look at their record and I’m sure all our fears will be put to rest. Just look at what they’ve managed to accomplish in Iraq!

Halliburton was given a no-bid contract in the amount of $2.41 billion dollars to deliver fuel and repair oil equipment. So what if they overcharged the US taxpayers $263 million, that’s a small price to pay for all of their hard work. They have been able to import fuel from Kuwait at twice the cost of anyone else in the region. They fed spoiled food to our troops (just because it’s rotten doesn’t automatically mean it’s inedible), and they also managed to supply our troops with untreated water that had twice the amount of fecal coliform as found in the Euphrates. This kind of price gouging and cost cutting is exactly why we should be thrilled at the prospect of having Halliburton overseeing our port operations. The more they save, the more the stockholders make and that means more money to the top 1% without having to give more tax breaks. So really, it’s almost like a tax reduction.

And that’s just what they’ve managed to do in Iraq. They have long had liberal policies when it comes to doing business. For one, they don’t discriminate against countries that have sanctions placed on them. When Iran was placed under US sanctions, Halliburton continued to do business with them, not leaving until they had finished their work there. And when Iraq was placed in the same situation, Halliburton refused to abandon them and helped Saddam keep the economy going by supplying oil services and parts. Isn’t that exactly the kind of corporate philosophy we should have overseeing our critical infrastructure, one that will build bridges to our enemies in the spirit of true cooperation? What we need is a company in charge that will really think outside the box and not let pesky regulations get in the way of protecting the homeland, and Halliburton has a proven track record of bypassing bureaucratic “safeguards” and getting the job done.

But what if the worst happens, what if Al Qaeda does manage to sneak a nuclear weapon into the US inside an un-inspected cargo container? This is the best news of all. If Halliburton is found in any way liable through negligence, they won’t be burdened with paying out huge settlements to the victims of this horrific tragedy. They have already figured out how to evade financial liability with their previous “test case” of asbestos claims. This means that either the victims will rightly see their suffering as their patriotic duty, or we as American taxpayers will have the cleansing experience of taking care of our own. That way, we grow closer as a nation and Halliburton will be free to continue its fine work of saving us money and protecting us at the same time. So you see, there is no downside and we should all hope with our big hearts that the rumblings are true, then we can roll out our new patriotic slogan, “We heart Halliburton.” Nice, huh?